A Humorous Timeline of Events
by Sigcius
Summary: A funny, self-produced timeline of Wars World. Enjoy!


_Note: BBE stands for "Before the Black Hole Era" while ABE stands for "After the Black Hole Era." Year 0 constitutes the events of the first Advance Wars for the GBA. Enjoy!_

14 billion BBE – The universe comes into being. Later misunderstanding causes the leading creation theory to become colloquially known as the Big Flex. The Cult of Max arises as a result.

600 BBE – Von Bolt is charged with the defense of the realm Oldsylvania when barbarians invade. He manages to lose despite having overwhelming numbers. Public opinion states that they preferred Sturm's leadership.

90 BBE – Hachi invents capitalism.

30 BBE – Grimm begins his professional wrestling career as "The Donut." He trounces every opponent that challenges him and retains his championship for years to come. Many attribute his success to his costume, which consists of only a cape, goggles, and a banana hammock.

29 BBE – Flak is discovered in the jungles of Yellow Comet. Though initially thought to be the mythical Missing Link, this theory is dismissed when his IQ is measured as somewhere between quartz and granite.

27 BBE – Sturm watches _Star Wars: A New Hope_ one too many times. He confirms the speculated Life-Cinema Adoption Syndrome when he comes to believe he _is_ Darth Vader.

26 BBE – Eagle is born

25 BBE – Eagle's hair goes prematurely gray.

25 BBE – Grimm's winning streak comes to an end when he is defeated by a blind man with a walking cane. Quincy McFarms, 84, becomes Heavyweight Champion of the World.

25 BBE – Sensei is declared the Oldest Living Man, at 148 years of age.

20 BBE – Javier is found in a crumbling stone tower, having fortified himself on the top floor defending against Mongol invaders. He usurps Sensei's claim as being the Oldest Living Man, given the fact that he has seen the Medieval Ages come and go.

18 BBE – Lash's parents mysteriously die in an event involving a blender, three monkeys, and a DVD copy of _Monty Python's Flying Circus._

17 BBE – Andy is born.

15 BBE – Hundreds of children swarm General Olaf during a military parade. It is later discovered that the children had been coaxed into the act by foreign agents, who convinced them Olaf's belly held candy and they could "liberate" it with heavy sticks. Though the enemy plans are thwarted, the effect is irreversible: September 4th unofficially becomes St. Olaf Day, and every year henceforth children construct paper mache Olaf doppelgangers and beat them until they acquire their sweet reward.

15 BBE – Jake is born. He is dropped on his head within the first few minutes of his life. Later that same year he begins speaking in an unknown tongue. Fearing demonic possession, his parents call for priests. It is some time before they determine the language is an ancient dialect once spoken throughout the inner-cities of Orange Star. Jake's mother still suspects an unholy taint.

13 BBE – Andy flunks kindergarten.

13-10 BBE – The brutal Sock Wars engulf the globe when Kanbei discovers that one of his socks is absent and, suspecting foreign spies, declares war on Green Earth. Blue Moon and Orange Star are quickly brought into the conflict. Atrocities are committed by all sides and millions die until Sonja discovers the missing attire stuck within a washing machine.

12 BBE – Drake, a cook aboard the Green Earth battleship _G.E.S. Dauntless _during the Sock Wars, inadvertently saves the ship and all hands aboard. Observing crew say he drunkenly stumbled onto the command deck, smashed the captain over the head with a whiskey bottle, and spun the wheel all while poorly singing _Yo Ho_. The ship hits and sinks a submerged Yellow Comet submarine. Drake is promoted. Drake himself does not recall these events.

10 BBE – The Sock Wars Accord is signed by all parties of the Sock Wars, ending three years of horrific bloodshed. Article I, Section 3 of the treaty stipulates that in the event one of Kanbei's socks goes missing, an international team of specially trained personnel will be admitted into the Imperial Palace to search for the offending piece.

10 BBE – Hawke recruits Flak into the Black Hole Army by offering him bitchin' goggles and a helmet. Hawke's motivation for doing so was allegedly "CO quota."

9 BBE – The Orange Star town of Wilkesburry is brought to its knees when a young Sami marches into town hall, requests to speak with the mayor, and kicks him right in the jibblies. She then mobilizes the town militia in an effort to bring her game of Hide and Seek to an end.

5 BBE – Von Bolt constructs Jugger. IN A CAVE. _WITH A BOX OF SCRAPS!_

4 BBE – Javier beats a man to death with his cavalier's breastplate for insulting his wife. Eagle witnesses this and promptly recruits him into the Green Earth Army.

4 BBE – Andy flunks high school geography.

3 BBE – Andy saves the entire world when a computer error initiates a nuclear launch countdown. He fixes the problem using a wrench and a ballpoint pen. It is not discovered how or why he came to be on the highly secure premises, but no one asks questions. He is immediately recruited into the Orange Star Armed Forces.

2 BBE – Sasha and Colin inherit a vast fortune from a distant uncle. They construct a five-story mansion complete with golden toilet bowls and a swimming pool filled with jello. When their tax reports find their way through the bumbling Blue Moon bureaucracy, they are both somehow mistaken for the offspring of well-established military family, and are recruited despite having no military training or combat experience. No one can figure outwhich arms manufacturer Colin acquires his goods from, confounding all efforts to turn Blue Moon into the most powerful military force in the world.

0 – The First Black Hole War. Black Hole cloning technology makes its debut, though it fails in its goal of creating political infighting between the Four Great Nations, most likely because Sturm decided to clone Andy instead of someone competent.

2 ABE – The Second Black Hole War. The Four Great Nations are almost annihilated but manage to drive Black Hole from their territory. When confronted with his ultimate defeat, Sturm attempts to destroy himself along with the victorious COs. Official accounts declare that Hawke used his mystical Black Wave powers to kill Sturm, but anonymous eyewitnesses offer a much less dramatic turn of events, stating that he simply drowned Sturm in a tub of coffee.

3 ABE – The Third Black Hole War. Black Hole makes use of its cloning technology once more, and again decides to clone Andy. They are defeated within a year.

3 ABE – Sensei begins to go senile, but still manages to be useful in defeating Von Bolt. Public opinion believes it was less Sensei's martial prowess than Von Bolt's utter failure as a villain, and still contends that Sturm was _way _cooler.

3 ABE – Contrary to the defeated Bolt Guard's belief, Hawke does not use Von Bolt's chair to revive Omega Land. He instead uses the energy to synthesize thousands of gallons of super-charged black coffee. One container accidentally spills into a gutter, and the sheer nutritional value of the substance restores the landscape.

4 ABE – Hawke starts his own chain of coffee shops. Hawke's Best is highly successful and Hawke's coffee products not only wake up tired cubicle workers, but also quench thirst, moisten plants, motivate music awards, cure cancer and serve as an all-natural performance enhancing drug.


End file.
